Random Musing: You're getting old?

You know how 60 is the new 40? Well, I think 27 is the new 50 because everyday something happens aging me like a fine wine... and by "fine" I mean "boxed". I was writing an email to a buddy and I chose a standard American male closing- I made an off handed comment about sleeping with his "momma". Now, I'm cool with this guy but not "BFF's", so I've never met his family, which led to me wondering what if this guys mom is dead or in a coma?

That's it! That's when it hit me. I'm starting to get so old I can't even make "momma" jokes for fear that they have some terminal disease if they're even alive at all. There are few things American men can enjoy and "sleeping with people's momma's" is one of them.

I'm taking a stand. I refuse to grow up, even at the expense of offending you and your dad. As a matter of fact: this is what I want on my tombstone:

"Don't worry, I'll tell your momma you said 'HI'!"

Awesome Cover

This is Laura Lea, and her cover band rocks. I heard her play at a bar called Starboard in Dewey Beach. Her voice was awesome, she could sing anything from Metallica to Taylor Swift to Rage Against the Machine (my request) and rocked everyone's face off.

On a side note- I always made fun of chicks who sweat the guitarists of bands that are "adequate-looking: at best, but after seeing Laura Lea live I'm not going to bring that up again. I met her in person next to some beer pong tables at the bar. That's when I requested Sleep Now in the Fire, which she couldn't do because it was "too hard core" but we settled on Bulls on Parade. She was cute up close but on stage, she gets a rank upgrade to bad. Anyway, they sometimes venture into Jersey and if there's any chance you can catch them, make the effort.

Twitter

Hey gang... I'm trying to get into Twitter which I think works well for my ADD and my followers (which from their blogs and their comments, I'm pretty sure also have severe ADD). So with that said follow me! brymartinez

American Gangster

Holy shit. I'm in Puerto Rico watching American Ganster... All I'm going to say is "how do you take a movie with Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe and literally defecate all over the screen." This is the biggest piece of shit ever...

Somehow Frank Lucas (Denzel) gives up a 1 billion dollar business and still gets 70 years. Meanwhile, Leo DiCaprio in "Catch me if you can" ropes everyone and gets fucking job with the IRS. I get racism... but this takes it to another level... lol, I'm going off on this tomorrow... maybe

PR Trip

I don't have any pics to post yet but there have been some funny ass stories to share so far. I just got back from Old San Juan looking at the old forts. It was a full moon and so bright that it almost looked like day time. I couldn't spend a lot of time out there because it was 1 in the morning and my aunt was sure I'd get mugged or killed- I'm just trying to get raped... by a chick. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll try to post some of my thoughts as the trip goes.

P.S. Somehow Spanish people know if you speak Spanish or not just by looking at you. I know I don't look Spanish, but come on, neither does my mom but the waiters and bartenders know and will open up with Spanish to her and in broken English ask me if I'd like a diet Coke. Ummmm, do I look like I need to be on a diet?! Just kidding, female moment there.

Politics

Here's what I think about Politics:



Failed Firework Nutshot Explosion - Watch more Funny Videos

I'm not writing MJ's obituary

I'm sure we'll all remember where we were when we found out Michael Jackson died. We'll remember Thriller and ABC 123. Even younger people will remember when he came out on stage for the MTV Movie Awards with N'Sync in 2001. But what I'll remember the most is that time Michael Jackson molested all those little boys. All day today on Hot 97 they're playing MJ songs. While we're at it, let's all "become fans" of Meagan's Law on Facebook?! When OJ dies is ESPN going to run "OJ's greatest runs of all time" (I will not insult you with a cheap White Bronco joke). Just kidding, I am.

"Even in death, we need to keep it real"
-Jesus Christ
Proverbs 7:24

Sex? Yes please

A couple is having a playful fight when the wife says something to the effect of "Oh yea? Then you can explain to your friends that you're a cranky son-of-a-bitch because you haven't had sex in 6 months."

First thing about a woman saying this line- it's bullshit. I don't know any woman who can go 6 months without sex when sex is made readily available. But I digress...

My only question is to her threat is "do blowjobs count?" Crude? Maybe a little but important nonetheless. Let me ask you a question. For $1 million bucks would you stay on a deserted island with no real food to eat but a tasteless magical pill (this pill contains all nutrients necessary for survival) for 6 months? Now you see where I'm going with my question. Now, what if instead of just this magical pill you got warm, fresh baked bread every day? ed note: Not all BJ's are created equal- I've gotten some that are more day old English Muffins than Lenders Bagels, if you now what I'm saying.

In conclusion, don't try to really get an answer when asking this question- there is no way a woman who is refusing to sleep with you is going to hook you up with some good fellatio in it's stead... at least not after college. I'm just serious.

Pissed off Eminem

Yes, I am getting too old to be watching the MTV movie awards but please tell me you saw Bruno "69ing" Eminem. He was fucking furious! This is the second time MTV has pissed off Eminem.

The first time was with Triumph.

I don't know if this is planned but if it wasn't, M is definately done with MTV. Here's the link if you want to see for yourself.

Bill Simmons

Those who are familiar with Bill Simmons (the Sports Guy) on ESPN need to start. One of the best writers in America.

Q: In one of your playoff columns, you ended a sentence with the phrase, "especially given this economy." This is becoming an awkward conversation-filler in society these days. I think at this point it can be used in any conversation, to end any sentence. Example …

Friend: "I can't believe you hooked up with that awful-looking girl last night."

You: "It was just one of those nights, especially given this economy."

The possibilities are endless, right?
-- Gary, Tampa, Fla.

I'm using this line all day today at Citi Field... as innapropriately as possible.

New Facebook Craze

Self tests.

It starts with an incredibly self involved person. This person now makes a test about themselves and sends them to their friends to answer and the results get posted on their Facebook pages.

I have a quiz for you:

1) I want people to answer questions about me because

A) ??? B) I'm so interesting C) I'm a narcissist.

Creating a quiz about yourself is like being on a date and saying "so enough about me, what do you think about me?"

Oh, and we're not talking about 10 questions here. I got one with 30 questions on it!!! Umm, I know you think you're awesome but do you also think I have nothing better to do except answer mundane questions about you. Here are some questions I'd be willing to answer:

1) What's my favorite sexual position
2) My worst lay was?
3) My drug of choice is?
4) If I could punch anyone in the face it would be?

These are some good questions and I wouldn't mind taking a stab at it.

But don't worry, I have a solution. First, get every question wrong- the worst case scenario is your friend begins questioning why they're friends with you, which isn't a bad thing because once your friend is dumb enough to send you this quiz, you should be questioning your friendship with them. The only minor problem to this is that if you get a perfect (or imperfect) 0% then you know enough of the right answers to get them all wrong. So, instead, pick a letter and pick it the whole quiz through. I think a 24% would offend your friend more than the 0% as they might take that as funny.

Chinese people love quizzes

The Mets are Ridiculous

If your a fan and stayed up to watch the game last night, you're only slightly better off than this guy up here. Honestly, please watch the recap but if you want the short story...

Ryan Church is only slightly more agile the Christopher Reeves. We went 0-7 with runners in scoring position. Luis Castillo would rather douse himself in gasoline than swing his bat. And Jeremy Reed made the 5th error of the night be sailing a throw to Ramon Castro that ended up in the stands as the winning run came into score. Only the Mets... Only the Mets...

Movie Review: Benjamin Button

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, think Forrest Gump except with a much lamer life, less hot girlfriend, and 3 hours worth of it.

P.S. It actually wasn't that bad- but I'd rather watch Star Trek again.

Verdict: 7 reverse aging buttons (out of 10)

Movie Review: Star Trek

I know I'm partial to watching movies in IMAX but this movie was fucking awesome. The only knock I have would be that it was a little long. I don't know much about the original but I know enough that this movie stayed true to it's roots without being corny about it. The action scenes were sick; nonstop and action packed. Bottom line? If your looking to have a good time at the movies without giving or receiving oral- this is it!

Verdict: 8.5 Photon Torpedo's (out of 10)

Movie Review: Notorious

Yea, I guess this movie was all right- er, I mean aigh't. But I have to admit I was a little disappointed. This movie could have been pretty good if PUFFY AND BIG'S MOM DIDN'T PRODUCE IT!!! It would be like me writing an autobiography and asking that I'm played by Orlando Bloom. Come on!

How far far off is it? I can't say for sure but after talking to a couple of friends that are pretty close to hip hop artists and producers, I can't believe much of the story. Apparently, Puff ripped off Biggie, royally. BIG was the entire talent and Puff pocketed all his dough. Also, in the movie, everyone in Bad Boy's family is a saint and Puff continuously says "let's change the world!" Ummm, can Christopher Wallace solve the oil crisis? Is he going to somehow stop the pirates in Afica from stealing cargo ships? No? Oh, that's right- he's going to make music about the ghetto for white kids in college to dance to... Not quite Nelson Mandela but close.

And I'm sorry, I find it hard to believe Lil' Kim was a business woman (as portrayed in this movie). I pretty sure she was just a Ho.

But there were two very notable bright spots. First, Jamal Woolard, who played Biggie was phenominal. It was not only an exact likeness, the voice was earily similar. Excellent job. Second, they did a great job of showing us how songs were created from there everday lives. Maybe a friend constantly said a certain phrase or when two people were fighting lyrics from a popular song would be shouted... it was a subtle touch that real fans would definately appreciate.

Verdict: 6.5 Dancing Diddy's (out of 10)

I did Love College

This song was put on to me by my boy Chaz- this was the exact type of song that I would have played 14 times in my frat house in college. At first I was pretty excited about this song, then you just get depressed cuz that life is over and it's depressing as fuck, lol! Seriously though, the one thing about college is that waking up in the morning not knowing what that night had in store for you was the greatest feeling that you have ever had leading up to that point in your life. To quote Kevin Garnett "anything was possible". Kudos to Asher Roth for hitting that shit on the head.

Asher Roth-I Love College.mp3 -

Citi Field

I got the call from my dad around 5 telling me that we were going to the Mets game... it was aweseome. This place is absolutely ridiculous. The Mets did a great job of building a great home for our Metropolitans. I won't bore you with the details but we managed to sneak ourselves right behind the Mets dugout for the last 4 innings. Our seats to start the game were just as great. We were right on the right field wall- what a sweet seat. If the Mets win a WS, that wall is getting jumped by fans because it's only 7 feet tall. All fans need to see this place!

SICK!

Dad and me in the Rotunda

Of course the Martinez Family got a brick... not that kind of brick you jerks!

The Heather Locklear of sports paraphernalia... no matter the age, she still looks great!

Tucker Max Movie

Oh happy day! One of my favorite novels of all time- and winner of two Pulitzers is being made into a movie. If you aren't familiar with Tucker Max- I have him linked on the right. Check it out!

Turns out the movie is post production and should be out this year. Tucker will be played by Matt Czuchry, who I am told was the perfect choice cuz' he's "really fucking hot"... ehhhh, I would have casted Tom Cruise because Tom doesn't know how to make a bad movie and the world cannot afford to have this movie suck.

Movie Review

If you like movies with plot progression, character development and a "beginning, middle and end", then The Day the Earth Stood Still is not for you. This movie couldn't have been more pointless than trying to to find a hot girl at last call. Seriously, avoid this movie- oh yea, Will Smith's kid is in it. And he is an even worse actor than his dad. EEEEK!

Random Ponderance

Those who say "that's a good question" usually don't have a good answer.