Someone else had to notice this

One of these pictures is Large Marge. The other two are fictional characters. Can you tell the difference?

And the winner is...

I just want to say that no one can argue with the sexiest woman in the world, but Blake Lively is soooo underrated.

Long Weekend

There were no posts this weekend as I was running around a lot. I do have a couple of rants that randomly came to mind this weekend- just random stuff people do that I find odd or funny.

I was at the Met game last night which needs it's own post. I took today off (no, not because of the Mets, although it is nice not to have to stumble into work today cloaked in failure) so I just need to get my thoughts in line... I mean it is just so frustrating to work so hard on something and walk away with nothing. It's like being in a two year relationship. It has its ups and downs but you both know that you two were meant for each other And then one day, one person being like "umm, yea, I'm not feeling 'this' anymore." No reason, no explanation- just one person quitting on you- and not even giving you a good explanation! Actually, they don't give you ANY explanation, nothing!

NO- I'm not going to post from the hip right now. I'm going to tape David Wright's picture to the heavy bag at the gym now. Be back in a hour. (Is that suppose to be in an hour... because the "h" is silent? Someone let me know, it just doesn't sound right)

For another fan's perspective, check out StillDreDay. I texted him right after the game and he was already blogging about it.

"AWWWW, this is some bullshit"

What the fuck did this guy do to piss off this bull?

Memory Lane Songs

I'm reposting this since the post has been pushed out of the main page.

I'm trying to get a list of songs that remind you of your yute. Click on Song List in the archive to read more about it. Thanks!

Shamwow

Seriously, how awesome is the Shamwow? Where does all that fluid go? Ed. note: That's what she said.

And the word itself is great. It's a noun. "Hey, look at my Shamwow!" It can be a verb. "I'm going to shamwow your face!" Or even as an adverb. "He shamwowingly looked deep into her eyes..."

Amazing.

I need to find the video for KABOOM!!!

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS TO BE ALL CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW 3 INCHES. FUCK. IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS FUCKING KABOOM AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING YOU FUCK. THOSE FUCKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON A PIECE.

YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND ILL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND I CAN'T SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT FAGS. CALL 1-800-781-7529. TELL 'EM BILLY SENT YOU, YOU GODDAMN CUNTFLAPS. FUCK.

Shout out to Marco for stealing this from someone!

Carlos Voltron

The Onion is pretty much the last reliable news outlet we have left in this country.

Mets

Shout out to Christine for the article.

Someeblog

Drink of the week

Mangapple Punch

Standard glass filled 3/4 with ice
2 shots of Mango Vodka
Splash of pineapple juice
Fill with pineapple soda


This drink was pretty random in its creation. I really just wanted pineapple soda- how ghetto is that- and then figured I'd throw in some booze. So pretty much this drink was created because I'm Puerto Rican...

You're not better than me, Cerrone!

One of my favorite blogs, Metsblog, has completely pissed me off. This blog used to be a place where you could get news and updates about the Mets and commentary from a fans perspective. Well, ever since they got bought by SNY, they have become complete sell outs. They report breaking news about the Mets, which is fine, but I can get that from ESPN or any other media outlet. The only commentary they do now is such condescending horse-shit that I literally get so incensed I want to grab Matthew Cerrone by his scrawny neck and baby shake him.

They chastise fans for booing? Who the fuck are you to tell me that I shouldn't boo. I paid for these overpriced tickets, these overpriced beers and this overpriced jersey I'm wearing- and your going to act all high and mighty on me? Guess what, douche bag? I'm the reason that this team can afford a $135 million payroll. I'm the reason why Omar Minaya is getting a four year contract extension. And I'm the reason why you even make a living from your Metsblog site. If you don't boo, that's fine, but don't wax poetic to me like you're a better fan than me.

Let me ask you a question. If the bases are loaded with zero outs and we can't get one run in, do you cheer? No, of course you don't. So if you don't cheer... and you don't boo... what the fuck do you do? Sit there like a stump? Well, sometimes silence says a lot more than booing. If we ever get to the point where the fans stop booing, then we're all in trouble because that means the fans have stopped caring.

Matt Cerrone: Stop sucking on the coporate teet and remember what got you here! I'm just serious.

G Rated Porn

Diesel SFW XXX - Watch more free videos

Shout out to ERod for the link.

Define: "being a Met fan"

Cockpunch (verb):
a firm assault on a male's groin or crotch area; attack must be delivered by a balled-up fist

"I handed my ticket to the ticket taker at Shea and he promptly cockpunched me."

Song List

I want to make a list of songs that when you hear you remember a specific time in your life. One that comes to me is "Jump Around" by House of Pain. Every time I hear those horns start off the song, I remember middle school where we all literally gathered around each other and just started jumping until the song was over... 1992 was awesome.

Just post your ideas in the comments section. I'll make a top ten.

...and we're back!

It's amazin' how one win can rejuvenate a fan base. After losing three in a row, I had begun to write this team off. But we had Johan going and just like every start in the second half he did not disappoint. He started off a little shaky but settled down and finished with a line of 8IP, 10K's, and even helped tie the game with a broken bat single in the 4th. If there were any doubts about Johan's toughness, he proved he was a gamer by throwing 125 pitches, which I predicted he would yesterday. The Mets haven't had a true ace since Doc Gooden and after having Johan anchor this staff (no homo), I can see why these guys get paid the money they do. It's not about winning games- it's about winning those games that you absolutely need to. It's about having your backs to the wall, knowing that everyone is expecting you to lose but not letting your team quit on you. I sense that the 8 guys behind Johan always try to step up their game a little because they know he's doing to same on the mound. This rings true for this team in particular as we have a bullpen of historically bad proportions. I'm sorry, but at this point in the year we cannot trust anything to this bullpen. Our starters HAVE to go 7, at the least.

Speaking of shitty starters, can we please stop playing Luis Castillo? He looks like a geriatric old man limping around out there. He's batting .115. Jesus Christos!

And the phukin' Phils lost yesterday, moving us to within 1 game in the loss column. I had conceded the NL East but now I smell blood. It won't be easy having to face Zambrano and Harden the next two nights- but if we can split those two games, I like our chances. BTW- I'll be at the last game on Sunday and it's looking as if it may be the biggest game I'll ever see at Shea (hopefully it won't be the last). Oh, and Johan will be pitching. Hollywood couldn't make this stuff up.

Jokes on you, kid!

Welcome baby Arlowe! For those of you who don't know, Schultz and his wife Lana, gave birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday. Arlowe Maisey Schultz looks exactly like her father (see pic above) with a better tolerance.

Frank and the Toilet Water

Back in high school, my boy Frank lived with his mom in a nice Condo in Rockland. It was a pretty nice spot because it was in the middle of everything and he lived in the basement, which was connected directly to the garage. This allowed everyone to pretty much come and go as they pleased, so his place became the unofficial pregame spot. Well, one day in particular he had 10 friends over to start the night. This consisted of the guys playing Madden and the girls playing drinking games on the other side of the room. Afer 2 cases or so- Ed. note: a case is 24 beers not 12. A package of 12 beers is known as a "12 pack". Anyway, before we head out we take one shot of Cuervo for the road and head out to our friend's party.

I won't get into the details about the party because, well, it wasn't too interesting. We drank a lot more and people laughed at the same inside jokes we'd been laughing at for four years now. Pretty much a high school party.

Well, Frank gets so shit faced that he can't drive home. He had a ridiculous Z28 Camaro (yes, he's Italian) so I drove back to his place, where I left my car (a sweet Mitsubishi Galant- who wants to touch me?). I drag him through the garage and he stumbles into the middle of his room, where he starts mumbling that he's thirsty and must have water or will die... I go upstairs to grab some water and when I come down he's neck deep in his toilet lapping up water- no, wait, let's take a step back for a moment...


Frank was a very single guy at the time. What I mean by this, is that his place was constantly a mess. He never cleaned his room, leaving clothes everywhere, empty food dishes piled up in the corner and empty beer cans were everywhere. His bathroom was 10 times worse. I can specifically recall some disturbing skid marks in his toilet before leaving to the party that night and I doubt the bidet fairy came while we were out and cleaned it for him.

I think the look of horror on my face was comparable to walking in on a German fetish video being filmed. He just kind of looked up at me and asked "what?" He then took a hand full of toilet water splashed it across his face and said "it's so refreshing..."

I still tell this story to our group of friends and it always gets the same howling response. I think it's a classic... or it's just another high school story that I can't stop telling. He probably won't appreciate the post but he knows that I'm just serious.

Mets Crisis

This team has literally sucked the life out of me. I was convinced around the All-Star break that this was an "OK" team and I was OK with that. But then Carlos Delgado started raking, the starting pitching started running off quality starts and the bullpen actually saved some games. So then the jerk in me started to believe- I mean, it's the Mets, 'Ya gotta believe, right? Wrong. This team will rip your heart out like your first girlfriend. The only difference is this team costs a lot more than my first girlfried. Like $8 a beer more.

I've stopped getting mad. I've bordeline stopped caring about this team. They are who I thought they were. A good- not great- bunch of ballplayers. They try but they aren't that good. They aren't clutch. And in this city, the greats are immortalized not by stats but by rings. And rings are won by clutch players. If you are still getting mad about this team, you really need to ask yourself "what did I expect from this squad?"

Anyway, being two out with six to go means the NL East is probably out of the question. Our real hope lies in the Brewers being just as bad as us, so we can squeek into the playoffs and embarrass ourselves in the first round. I mean the only good that can come from this would be the sweeping changes across the board. If K-Rod isn't wearing Blue and Orange next year, Omar needs to go. I'd keep Delgado for one more year and trade Castillo for some of those plastic hardhats that hold beers on each side, with huge straws.

I'll be keeping tabs on this team closely the last six games of the season. More likely than not, the posts will probably get increasingly angry.

Drink of the Week

I came up with this a while ago... The Tussin

Standard glass filled 3/4 with ice
One shot of 99 Cherries
One shot of Black Cherry Smrinoff
Fill with Ocean Spray cran-raspberry

I love this drink. It's sweet without being too sugary. The 99 cherries really gives it a kick that regular vodka can't provide. Also, pretty much eveything has to be the brand specified. I'm kind of a brand whore. Ocean Spray has no equal. Enjoy!

Let's Play 3!

I originally had a whole, long post about my weekend in Boston written out. But, I don't want this blog to read like a diary and there's some things that I can't really have people reading about that weekend. So I'll just say it started at a good steak house, ended with a excruciating bus ride home and somewhere in the middle there was a party with a folk band, a girl who offered to shit on guys, and I met two pretty cool chicks.

So, in lieu of that story, I want to rant about something that "I could care less about." I'd like to take a moment to chastise those morons that misuse this phrase trying to sound cool or chic. Yea, I got it- you don't care. But could you stop being a fool and realize that if you could care less, then you care some... and thus, you should actually answer the question. If you "couldn't care less", then you have reached such a level of not caring that you have no opinion whatsoever on the matter.

Example of the correct use:

Husband:"hey honey, wanna have sex tonight?"
Wife: "i couldn't care less"
Sex ensues while Desperate Housewives plays behind husband thrashing wildly into a non caring wife

So, for the sake of married vagina everywhere, please care less, correctly.

Entourage- Worst Premier Ever

What the fuck was that? This show is becoming a 14 year old boy's fantasy, which is fine, if you need something to jerk off to, but I have porn for that. After a whole year this is the what they came up with to get us back into it? Let's review:

Same old shit: Vince is nailing hot ass chicks.
New?: Vince is nailing two hot ass chicks in Mexico

Same old shit: An unemployed Turtle is riding Vince's coattails for pussy.
New?: An unemployed Turtle is riding Vince's coattails in Mexico, yes for pussy.

Same old shit: Vince doesn't give a shit about his career.
New?: Vince doesn't give a shit about his career but he has an "I don't give a shit beard."

Same old shit: Ari is funny as fuck.
New?: Ari is still funny as fuck.

So, as you can see, the last half hour was a complete waste of my time. Hasn't this show already gone through the Vince needs a job or we're all fucked phase? And what was that whole thing with Drama not taking a picture from the right side? Is that like Derek Zoolander not being able to turn left? I'm done asking rhetorical questions! This episode was PAR at best. I'm just serious.

Mets-Phils

Kudos to the Philly fans for coming out in full force Friday night. As much shit as I give them, and trust me, it's a lot, I'll give credit where credit is due. There were a ton of douche bags out at Shea- most of them wearing red.

First off, there was Scott and Mark. I don't think they were boyfriend and boyfriend, but based on their Philly hats, I suspect they've experimented with balls on their chin. There were some cute chicks behind us wearing red, but they were chicks, so I'll let that slide.

Onto the game... the Mets forgot how to hit. That about sums it up. Brett Myers was OK, but not lights out. We couldn't hit in the clutch or with the bases loaded for that matter... I'm over it.

The real action was in the stands, as we all did a great job of getting shit faced. And at $8 a beer, that is quite an achievement. We did a pretty good job a hazing the Philly fans around us. I couldn't really think of anything more than questioning their sexuality, but I questioned it often and loudly. Dre kept screaming "when you're Wright, you're never wrong." I guess we knew he was joking, but I'm sure in Philly, somewhere, there are people talking about this Dominican who was on D. Wright's nuts all night. Ed. note: Andres Villalabos is actually Mexican

Besides the Met game, I got a Coach messenger bag on Friday. Interesting? Not really- but I thought I'd just mention it as I'm not sure if I want to rock a murse. It's a hot murse, but a murse nontheless. I guess for 50% off, I should keep it, but I'm on the fence.

Good start for my fantasy Football team. McNabb looks like he's back; Westbrook is a beast and Megatron is the truth(I heart Megatron)... stay tuned. My baseball team, even though I destroyed the league by 20 games during the regular season, isn't looking so hot for the second round of the playoffs this week. I won't get into the details, but I'm playing my nemesis and don't like my matchup. I just lost the 6th ranked player in league and I have no 2-start pitchers going next week. Both ominous signs...

Lastly, I'm just gonna wrap this up with an observation about beer stands at Shea. They have one Sam Adams stand in the whole place and there was a line about a mile long for it. It was me (rocking a dope, rare, Jose Reyes jersey) and like 15 other Met fans. Cleary Met fans know beer. Walking back to my seat I noticed the Bud Light stand filled with pseudo Met fans (you know... wearing John Franco jerseys) and Philly fans (you know... wearing skirts). As I walked by some red-wearing, communist yells at me (as the Mets were about to lose) "we're only two games back!" My response? "Exactly..." When you're Wright, you're never wrong.

I'm just serious.