Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Glog #3

"The Fuck You List" ****Dedicated to Jess who "fucking hates everyone today"

We all have those goofball conversations that start out like this: "Dude, all I need is like two million dollars and I'd be set! Could you imagine?? I'd come into work the next day wearing a $10,000 suit, then I'd rip the suit off, throw it in some fat co worker's face, march into my boss' office, and piss right in his face. After the douche is nice and soiled, I'd unravel a cat o' nine tails and proceed to mercilessly beat him to death with it, screaming at the top of my lungs as his blood splatters everywhere on my lunatic frame...cuz I'd be so rich I could get away with it."

Now, usually these types of comments take place after brutally hard days of dealing with other people's nonsense. None of us are ever going to hit a $50 mil jackpot, or sell a brilliant idea to Google for five hundred million dollars...STILL though, I think it'd be a good idea for all of us to carry around a "fuck you" list, just in case some miracle does fall in your lap.

Forget the easy targets (bosses, coworkers, life-long bitter enemies), I'm talking about exacting revenge on the everyday bastards you come across. Those motherfuckers that push you JUST over the top when you're having an already shitty day. Of course I'd slap my new-found wealth back in the faces of all the morons I work with, that's a given, but how nice would it be to get revenge on that dumb bitch who overcharged you for something at that store in the mall 5 years ago because she wasn't paying attention? See, chances are, you will have forgotten all about that individual, and that's a shame, because at the time they pissed you off SO much that a minor killing spree would have seemed reasonable. Let's not let these people off the hook so easily.

You may say, "But Brian, you're worth $750,000,000, do you really want to waste your time with this person?" The answer is yes. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to devote my vast fortune to the sole purpose of making sure nobody on my list is successful at anything in life. To take it one step further, I'd also crush the lives of any people on my FRIENDS' lists.

Some examples:
#1,578 January 7th, 2003: The teen aged driver of a blue sports car. It was a hellish day at work, and you made it more so by tailgating me almost my entire way home on the Thruway, with brights on that seemed to be more powerful than exploding suns. The fact that I was already driving 95mph and this wasn't good enough for you made me go temporarily insane. I snagged your plate number, and now, 5 years later, it's time for you to suffer. One random morning you'll wake up with a splitting headache and the blazing, scorching heat of the Gobi Desert sun beating down on your naked body, endless sand dunes stretching out in every direction, a silent scream forming on your bewildered face. I'll be in a remote location, eating popcorn and watching on a hidden camera as you burn to death.

#975 March 10th, 2000: bitchy operator person. I called with a simple question. You made it abundantly clear that not only would you not, or could you not help me, but that I was bothering YOU. And although I couldn't see you, it was obvious that you were hideous and weighed easily over 400lbs. Maybe you were having a bad day yourself. That's too bad though, because I'm the one with the money. Nothing fancy here, just me breaking into your house in the middle of the night and smashing your face in with an aluminum baseball bat. You can get away with anything when you can hire the best defense attorneys.

#2036 November 1st, 2008: douchebag guy just sitting there at the bar in a very crowded bar so other people couldn't squeeze in to order drinks. You gave me a shitty look when I politely asked if I could just reach over to pay for some beers. Well, your drinking days are over my friend. For the price of one shitty attitude you've bought yourself a life of toil and misery, have fun working in the diamond mines of Mozambique for the rest of your life. Are these a little harsh? Perhaps, but what can I say, I hold grudges man.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Quote of the Week

Not to get all stilldreday.blogspot.com on you guys but I wanted to give a shout out to Dre's boy, Gary Stark. I was getting ready for work today when I heard some jerk call WFAN this morning. He said his name was Gary Stark- which caught my attention and then declared I'm a boxer from Staten Island. He then went on how he didn't like the host of the show cuz he's a "die hard Mets hater" but he's warmed up to him lately. He said "I called you guys a couple months ago and made you laugh, calling Shea (stadium) the house the Kevin Elster built!" The hosts started cracking up even though they are both Mets fans. Dude, even I was laughing. Gotta give credit where credit is due... hey if boxing doesn't work out, Kid could definitely do radio because the dude sounded completely natural talking to the hosts like they were his buddies from home. Good shit, Kid.


I went to ESPN ZONE the other day and shattered every football record they had (that's not true). Am I better than Peyton Manning? No way- he started a lot earlier than me. But I'd say I throw about as hard as Chad Pennington (that's not true either). Anyway, maybe football is my thing because I tried the pitching machine and my fastball topped out at 68 MPH. That sucks! I thought I could've hit 75 MPH... guess not! Sick!

Perfect form!

Who brought this guy to the party?

If a picture says a thousand words, this one says three: we're fucked up.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It's answers like these that will get you a job at RNT

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was st unned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight toward s my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Perfect 10 Scale

We all know the "10" scale that guys use to judge how attractive a girl is. A 10 is the best, while a 0 means "get the mace ready." The problem with this system is that it's too vague. One man's Jessica Beil is another man's Ugly Betty. And the problem with the 1-10 system is the "7". What the fuck does that mean? I'm guessing a 7 means aight. So at some point in college I invented the 5 Star system. Instead of the traditional rating system, I simplified it, and added criteria which regardless of whether you have a penchant for blondes or brunettes, tall chicks or short chicks, skinny girls or thick ladies, we can all agree where they rank on my scale. So, without further ado, here is the soon to be famous 5 Star system.

I'll start at the top.

A "ONE" is a girl that you would do anything to sleep with- and I mean anything. This chick is so bad that every guy's head turns when she walks by. A ONE will have a guy staring past his girlfriend during dinner to look at. A ONE is also pretty much out of all of our leagues. ONE's are window shopping- look but don't touch. If you aren't a professional athlete or filthy rich, don't bother. These are the kind of chicks that get sugar daddies and don't have to work a day in their lives because men will pay just for their company.

A "TWO" is the very good looking girl who most of us strive to get. She is cute, carries herself well, dresses nice and has that sexy- not slutty look. Personally, I won't actually date (like make my girlfriend) if she's less than a TWO. Maybe that's why I've only had three girlfriends, but that's not the point of this post. Anyway, a TWO illicits a "very nice dude" response from your friends when you introduce her to them.

A "THREE" is the equivalent to a "7" on the old scale. A THREE is definatley doable but it's not like you brag to your boys about it. When having sex with a THREE you may mention it to your friends, but you certainly should not expect applause once you're done telling them. A THREE is also dateable.

A "FOUR" is a girl you would sleep with but generally under suspect circumstances. Maybe you're fucked up, maybe you're in a slump, maybe you're just desperate... but this chick you do and (this is the important part), you keep to yourself. You want as few people to know about this as possible. LOL, only guys would go into a FOUR situation and still do it. They'll regret it tomorrow, but tonight it's game time!

A "FIVE"... well, a FIVE... let's just put it this way: You'd rather nail your penis to a burning building.

Ok, so now you know the greatest rating system ever! I have actually had underclassmen at Gettysburg call me to verify what a particular rating means. Now, there is great responsibility that comes with the system. Never, ever, tell girls about this system. Not because you'll offend them- that's a given, as this system is inherintly one of the most massagenistic things I've ever done... and that says a lot. No, it's because girls will ask you "well, what I'm I?" Holy shit- it never fails. Just never bring up this system in front of girls because you're going to have to lie and say "a TWO". They know they aren't a ONE but no girl will think they are a THREE. But you know they aren't a TWO, so don't water down my system with your lies. I'm just serious.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


I ended up hanging out with one of my boys from the gym Friday night. I got so fucked up-

I had a dream that I was a professional photographer trying to take a picture of the Brady's on their stairs... NO SHIT! It was fucking weird.

Well, I was trying to get the shot, but fucking Bobby kept lying down or making stupid faces. The pics came out terribly and I kept yelling at Bobby Brady but he wouldn't listen- long story short, I killed him and dumped his body in their pool. RIP Bob.

Tell me if I'm wrong...

Over the last couple of weeks, I've begun doing a lot of self reflection. Actually, that's a lie- I've been doing a lot of reflecting on other people. Specifically, I've been trying to figure out why people do what they do. Bear with me on this, as most of my blogs I usually know how they're going to start and generally how they're going to end, but this will probably read like a collection of thoughts...

I don't want to come off like I'm some evolved being, but lately I can't help but feel like I'm in high school again. I'm turning 27 but I feel like everyone else is 17, lol- some of them wish they were, so maybe that's why they act so immature. One of my coworkers, Jenna, posted about drama the other day and I want to add my two cents.

Cliques are really popular in high school - they are pretty much synonymous with high school. I think that makes sense if you think about it. What is a clique? A clique is a small group of friends who stick with each other, and the group eventually becomes the reflection of who the individuals are themselves. You no longer are "Tracy". You are now "Tracy- you know, she hangs out with (insert name) and (insert name)." They aren't Tracy, that honor roll student that plays soccer or Tracy that drives the Camaro.... But that works perfectly for high school because high school is a place for insecure teenagers to find their "niche". They find strength and security in their clique. It's a haven for them to to be around people of similar interests, OR, it's a place for you to find people that have characteristics that maybe you wish you had, so you begin to incorporate some of those traits into your everyday life. Yea, high school is tough and can be scary and almost everyone needs a solid group of friends to be there for you. But then you go to college and GROW UP...

I was in a frat in college so I won't say that cliques don't exist in college, but after college it's time to start being your own person. And lately I see people, friends, coworkers, completely disengaging from who they are to do and think whatever the collective group does. At some point when you grow up you have to at least acknowledge when something is not right. Case in point- one of my best friends, Schultz was at the bar with me and Jess and I'm whispering like I'm in a helicopter when some guy said something to me. He probably wanted me to simmer down or some bullshit like that. I'm shit hammered, so I start giving this guy my opinion on why he should shut his fucking mouth. So Jess gives Schultz a look and he says "well, Bryan can be an asshole..." He didn't go along with my shanigans and just say that's my boy, he can do no wrong. He knew I was was wrong, I dissagree :), but that's irrelevant. The point is that we aren't 16 years old anymore and if I'm wrong, he'll tell me. But that's not the case for a lot of people.

A suprising number of ADULTS surround themselves with a bunch of yes friends who massage their ego and think that if we all act like this, then we're right... right? No, you simple bitch. You're not right. You're all wrong, but if all of you are wrong, then you're all kind of right. Get it? Listen, once you graduate and get a job, it's time to start being confident enough to be your own person, not one of the flock. I'm not saying don't have friends. I'm saying the EXACT OPPOSITE. I'm saying try and have as many friends as humanly possible so you always have something new and exciting to do but just remember who your real friends are. But its a lot better than hanging out with the same 7 people talking about the same shit you talked about last week. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. For some people that may be difficult because if you only have "hang out" friends, you don't have a choice to pick real friends.

People are so scared of being alone that they'll be with someone they don't love. They'll hang out with people that are more problematic than they're worth. They'll start doing shit that they don't even want to do to avoid being alone.

I wanted to blog about friendship in your 20's as opposed to when your 15, but I'll save that for another day. Although I will say this, I wish I had a nickel for everytime I've told a friend to "go fuck themselves". I'd be rich. But you know what? If your friend is wrong and they're really your friend, then everything will be OK. The 5 or 6 real friends I have are so close that we can do that to keep each other in check. A clique isn't made up of people that are friends. A clique is made up tree leaves. Tree leaves go wherever the wind takes them, but they're ok with that as long as they are with other leaves. Everyone should strive to be the tree- because if the leaves are really your friends, they'll grow back. It's time to grow up and be your own person, people! I'm just serious.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Football Sunday

Had some boys over for the games on Sunday. Most of them are in my fantasy football league. My b0y Schultz walks into my place with an 18 of Budweiser, already missing a few beers as I'm sure his borther and him had a couple for the road... or on it. Whatever.

Anyway my man was up for some partying- and that's what he got, lol. Your welcome.


No pic for work but I walked in with Mimosas. Then met up with friends and some coworker for drinks afterwards, and what was suppose to be a Happy Hour thing turned into "jeez- it's 12 already, I gotta get the fuck outta here". But I will say I got the best quote from Lawrence. He was telling me the story of how he met his wife- I can't tell it as good as he can, but if you get the chance ask him too. Obviously, not talking to you, Rockland. Anyway, he ended talking to her while she had another man and said "Listen girl, I'm not gonna beg you to let me treat you good." HAHA, that shit would only work coming from Lawrence.

Overtime was fine, but looking back on the weekend, I pretty much worked Saturday morning to pay for my weekend shenanigan's. Nice.

Friday Night Halloween

My sexual offender costume was in full effect Friday night. Besides the Members Only jacket, I had a pocket full of candy and a ridiculous mustache which surprisingly could be for a sexual offender, a porn star, or a police officer. Now, if that doesn't say something about our society, I don't know what does, lol.
I must say, I didn't say "wow, that chick should not be wearing that" as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was the bar itself but there were some hot costumes. The best costume goes to a mermaid who was smokin' hot in he little green dress-thing and matching tube top. Well done madam. I wish I had a pic but I looked creepy enough. I didn't need to compound that by taking pics of girls I didn't know!
It was a pretty early night for me as I had to wake up early and come into work on Saturday...