"The Fuck You List" ****Dedicated to Jess who "fucking hates everyone today"
We all have those goofball conversations that start out like this: "Dude, all I need is like two million dollars and I'd be set! Could you imagine?? I'd come into work the next day wearing a $10,000 suit, then I'd rip the suit off, throw it in some fat co worker's face, march into my boss' office, and piss right in his face. After the douche is nice and soiled, I'd unravel a cat o' nine tails and proceed to mercilessly beat him to death with it, screaming at the top of my lungs as his blood splatters everywhere on my lunatic frame...cuz I'd be so rich I could get away with it."
Now, usually these types of comments take place after brutally hard days of dealing with other people's nonsense. None of us are ever going to hit a $50 mil jackpot, or sell a brilliant idea to Google for five hundred million dollars...STILL though, I think it'd be a good idea for all of us to carry around a "fuck you" list, just in case some miracle does fall in your lap.
Forget the easy targets (bosses, coworkers, life-long bitter enemies), I'm talking about exacting revenge on the everyday bastards you come across. Those motherfuckers that push you JUST over the top when you're having an already shitty day. Of course I'd slap my new-found wealth back in the faces of all the morons I work with, that's a given, but how nice would it be to get revenge on that dumb bitch who overcharged you for something at that store in the mall 5 years ago because she wasn't paying attention? See, chances are, you will have forgotten all about that individual, and that's a shame, because at the time they pissed you off SO much that a minor killing spree would have seemed reasonable. Let's not let these people off the hook so easily.
You may say, "But Brian, you're worth $750,000,000, do you really want to waste your time with this person?" The answer is yes. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to devote my vast fortune to the sole purpose of making sure nobody on my list is successful at anything in life. To take it one step further, I'd also crush the lives of any people on my FRIENDS' lists.
We all have those goofball conversations that start out like this: "Dude, all I need is like two million dollars and I'd be set! Could you imagine?? I'd come into work the next day wearing a $10,000 suit, then I'd rip the suit off, throw it in some fat co worker's face, march into my boss' office, and piss right in his face. After the douche is nice and soiled, I'd unravel a cat o' nine tails and proceed to mercilessly beat him to death with it, screaming at the top of my lungs as his blood splatters everywhere on my lunatic frame...cuz I'd be so rich I could get away with it."
Now, usually these types of comments take place after brutally hard days of dealing with other people's nonsense. None of us are ever going to hit a $50 mil jackpot, or sell a brilliant idea to Google for five hundred million dollars...STILL though, I think it'd be a good idea for all of us to carry around a "fuck you" list, just in case some miracle does fall in your lap.
Forget the easy targets (bosses, coworkers, life-long bitter enemies), I'm talking about exacting revenge on the everyday bastards you come across. Those motherfuckers that push you JUST over the top when you're having an already shitty day. Of course I'd slap my new-found wealth back in the faces of all the morons I work with, that's a given, but how nice would it be to get revenge on that dumb bitch who overcharged you for something at that store in the mall 5 years ago because she wasn't paying attention? See, chances are, you will have forgotten all about that individual, and that's a shame, because at the time they pissed you off SO much that a minor killing spree would have seemed reasonable. Let's not let these people off the hook so easily.
You may say, "But Brian, you're worth $750,000,000, do you really want to waste your time with this person?" The answer is yes. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to devote my vast fortune to the sole purpose of making sure nobody on my list is successful at anything in life. To take it one step further, I'd also crush the lives of any people on my FRIENDS' lists.
Some examples:
#1,578 January 7th, 2003: The teen aged driver of a blue sports car. It was a hellish day at work, and you made it more so by tailgating me almost my entire way home on the Thruway, with brights on that seemed to be more powerful than exploding suns. The fact that I was already driving 95mph and this wasn't good enough for you made me go temporarily insane. I snagged your plate number, and now, 5 years later, it's time for you to suffer. One random morning you'll wake up with a splitting headache and the blazing, scorching heat of the Gobi Desert sun beating down on your naked body, endless sand dunes stretching out in every direction, a silent scream forming on your bewildered face. I'll be in a remote location, eating popcorn and watching on a hidden camera as you burn to death.
#975 March 10th, 2000: bitchy operator person. I called with a simple question. You made it abundantly clear that not only would you not, or could you not help me, but that I was bothering YOU. And although I couldn't see you, it was obvious that you were hideous and weighed easily over 400lbs. Maybe you were having a bad day yourself. That's too bad though, because I'm the one with the money. Nothing fancy here, just me breaking into your house in the middle of the night and smashing your face in with an aluminum baseball bat. You can get away with anything when you can hire the best defense attorneys.
#2036 November 1st, 2008: douchebag guy just sitting there at the bar in a very crowded bar so other people couldn't squeeze in to order drinks. You gave me a shitty look when I politely asked if I could just reach over to pay for some beers. Well, your drinking days are over my friend. For the price of one shitty attitude you've bought yourself a life of toil and misery, have fun working in the diamond mines of Mozambique for the rest of your life. Are these a little harsh? Perhaps, but what can I say, I hold grudges man.
1 comment:
Thanks for the dedication Schultz, now I fucking hate everyone but you!
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