Thursday, August 13, 2009

Random Musing: You're getting old?

You know how 60 is the new 40? Well, I think 27 is the new 50 because everyday something happens aging me like a fine wine... and by "fine" I mean "boxed". I was writing an email to a buddy and I chose a standard American male closing- I made an off handed comment about sleeping with his "momma". Now, I'm cool with this guy but not "BFF's", so I've never met his family, which led to me wondering what if this guys mom is dead or in a coma?

That's it! That's when it hit me. I'm starting to get so old I can't even make "momma" jokes for fear that they have some terminal disease if they're even alive at all. There are few things American men can enjoy and "sleeping with people's momma's" is one of them.

I'm taking a stand. I refuse to grow up, even at the expense of offending you and your dad. As a matter of fact: this is what I want on my tombstone:

"Don't worry, I'll tell your momma you said 'HI'!"

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Awesome Cover



This is Laura Lea, and her cover band rocks. I heard her play at a bar called Starboard in Dewey Beach. Her voice was awesome, she could sing anything from Metallica to Taylor Swift to Rage Against the Machine (my request) and rocked everyone's face off.

On a side note- I always made fun of chicks who sweat the guitarists of bands that are "adequate-looking: at best, but after seeing Laura Lea live I'm not going to bring that up again. I met her in person next to some beer pong tables at the bar. That's when I requested Sleep Now in the Fire, which she couldn't do because it was "too hard core" but we settled on Bulls on Parade. She was cute up close but on stage, she gets a rank upgrade to bad. Anyway, they sometimes venture into Jersey and if there's any chance you can catch them, make the effort.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Twitter

Hey gang... I'm trying to get into Twitter which I think works well for my ADD and my followers (which from their blogs and their comments, I'm pretty sure also have severe ADD). So with that said follow me! brymartinez

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

American Gangster

Holy shit. I'm in Puerto Rico watching American Ganster... All I'm going to say is "how do you take a movie with Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe and literally defecate all over the screen." This is the biggest piece of shit ever...

Somehow Frank Lucas (Denzel) gives up a 1 billion dollar business and still gets 70 years. Meanwhile, Leo DiCaprio in "Catch me if you can" ropes everyone and gets fucking job with the IRS. I get racism... but this takes it to another level... lol, I'm going off on this tomorrow... maybe

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

PR Trip

I don't have any pics to post yet but there have been some funny ass stories to share so far. I just got back from Old San Juan looking at the old forts. It was a full moon and so bright that it almost looked like day time. I couldn't spend a lot of time out there because it was 1 in the morning and my aunt was sure I'd get mugged or killed- I'm just trying to get raped... by a chick. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll try to post some of my thoughts as the trip goes.

P.S. Somehow Spanish people know if you speak Spanish or not just by looking at you. I know I don't look Spanish, but come on, neither does my mom but the waiters and bartenders know and will open up with Spanish to her and in broken English ask me if I'd like a diet Coke. Ummmm, do I look like I need to be on a diet?! Just kidding, female moment there.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Politics

Here's what I think about Politics:



Failed Firework Nutshot Explosion - Watch more Funny Videos

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm not writing MJ's obituary

I'm sure we'll all remember where we were when we found out Michael Jackson died. We'll remember Thriller and ABC 123. Even younger people will remember when he came out on stage for the MTV Movie Awards with N'Sync in 2001. But what I'll remember the most is that time Michael Jackson molested all those little boys. All day today on Hot 97 they're playing MJ songs. While we're at it, let's all "become fans" of Meagan's Law on Facebook?! When OJ dies is ESPN going to run "OJ's greatest runs of all time" (I will not insult you with a cheap White Bronco joke). Just kidding, I am.




"Even in death, we need to keep it real"
-Jesus Christ
Proverbs 7:24

Friday, June 19, 2009

Sex? Yes please

A couple is having a playful fight when the wife says something to the effect of "Oh yea? Then you can explain to your friends that you're a cranky son-of-a-bitch because you haven't had sex in 6 months."

First thing about a woman saying this line- it's bullshit. I don't know any woman who can go 6 months without sex when sex is made readily available. But I digress...

My only question is to her threat is "do blowjobs count?" Crude? Maybe a little but important nonetheless. Let me ask you a question. For $1 million bucks would you stay on a deserted island with no real food to eat but a tasteless magical pill (this pill contains all nutrients necessary for survival) for 6 months? Now you see where I'm going with my question. Now, what if instead of just this magical pill you got warm, fresh baked bread every day? ed note: Not all BJ's are created equal- I've gotten some that are more day old English Muffins than Lenders Bagels, if you now what I'm saying.

In conclusion, don't try to really get an answer when asking this question- there is no way a woman who is refusing to sleep with you is going to hook you up with some good fellatio in it's stead... at least not after college. I'm just serious.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pissed off Eminem

Yes, I am getting too old to be watching the MTV movie awards but please tell me you saw Bruno "69ing" Eminem. He was fucking furious! This is the second time MTV has pissed off Eminem.

The first time was with Triumph.


I don't know if this is planned but if it wasn't, M is definately done with MTV. Here's the link if you want to see for yourself.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Bill Simmons

Those who are familiar with Bill Simmons (the Sports Guy) on ESPN need to start. One of the best writers in America.


Q: In one of your playoff columns, you ended a sentence with the phrase, "especially given this economy." This is becoming an awkward conversation-filler in society these days. I think at this point it can be used in any conversation, to end any sentence. Example …

Friend: "I can't believe you hooked up with that awful-looking girl last night."

You: "It was just one of those nights, especially given this economy."

The possibilities are endless, right?
-- Gary, Tampa, Fla.


I'm using this line all day today at Citi Field... as innapropriately as possible.

Friday, May 22, 2009

New Facebook Craze

Self tests.

It starts with an incredibly self involved person. This person now makes a test about themselves and sends them to their friends to answer and the results get posted on their Facebook pages.

I have a quiz for you:

1) I want people to answer questions about me because

A) ??? B) I'm so interesting C) I'm a narcissist.

Creating a quiz about yourself is like being on a date and saying "so enough about me, what do you think about me?"

Oh, and we're not talking about 10 questions here. I got one with 30 questions on it!!! Umm, I know you think you're awesome but do you also think I have nothing better to do except answer mundane questions about you. Here are some questions I'd be willing to answer:

1) What's my favorite sexual position
2) My worst lay was?
3) My drug of choice is?
4) If I could punch anyone in the face it would be?

These are some good questions and I wouldn't mind taking a stab at it.

But don't worry, I have a solution. First, get every question wrong- the worst case scenario is your friend begins questioning why they're friends with you, which isn't a bad thing because once your friend is dumb enough to send you this quiz, you should be questioning your friendship with them. The only minor problem to this is that if you get a perfect (or imperfect) 0% then you know enough of the right answers to get them all wrong. So, instead, pick a letter and pick it the whole quiz through. I think a 24% would offend your friend more than the 0% as they might take that as funny.

Chinese people love quizzes

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Mets are Ridiculous


If your a fan and stayed up to watch the game last night, you're only slightly better off than this guy up here. Honestly, please watch the recap but if you want the short story...

Ryan Church is only slightly more agile the Christopher Reeves. We went 0-7 with runners in scoring position. Luis Castillo would rather douse himself in gasoline than swing his bat. And Jeremy Reed made the 5th error of the night be sailing a throw to Ramon Castro that ended up in the stands as the winning run came into score. Only the Mets... Only the Mets...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Movie Review: Benjamin Button

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, think Forrest Gump except with a much lamer life, less hot girlfriend, and 3 hours worth of it.

P.S. It actually wasn't that bad- but I'd rather watch Star Trek again.

Verdict: 7 reverse aging buttons (out of 10)

Movie Review: Star Trek


I know I'm partial to watching movies in IMAX but this movie was fucking awesome. The only knock I have would be that it was a little long. I don't know much about the original but I know enough that this movie stayed true to it's roots without being corny about it. The action scenes were sick; nonstop and action packed. Bottom line? If your looking to have a good time at the movies without giving or receiving oral- this is it!

Verdict: 8.5 Photon Torpedo's (out of 10)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Movie Review: Notorious


Yea, I guess this movie was all right- er, I mean aigh't. But I have to admit I was a little disappointed. This movie could have been pretty good if PUFFY AND BIG'S MOM DIDN'T PRODUCE IT!!! It would be like me writing an autobiography and asking that I'm played by Orlando Bloom. Come on!

How far far off is it? I can't say for sure but after talking to a couple of friends that are pretty close to hip hop artists and producers, I can't believe much of the story. Apparently, Puff ripped off Biggie, royally. BIG was the entire talent and Puff pocketed all his dough. Also, in the movie, everyone in Bad Boy's family is a saint and Puff continuously says "let's change the world!" Ummm, can Christopher Wallace solve the oil crisis? Is he going to somehow stop the pirates in Afica from stealing cargo ships? No? Oh, that's right- he's going to make music about the ghetto for white kids in college to dance to... Not quite Nelson Mandela but close.

And I'm sorry, I find it hard to believe Lil' Kim was a business woman (as portrayed in this movie). I pretty sure she was just a Ho.

But there were two very notable bright spots. First, Jamal Woolard, who played Biggie was phenominal. It was not only an exact likeness, the voice was earily similar. Excellent job. Second, they did a great job of showing us how songs were created from there everday lives. Maybe a friend constantly said a certain phrase or when two people were fighting lyrics from a popular song would be shouted... it was a subtle touch that real fans would definately appreciate.

Verdict: 6.5 Dancing Diddy's (out of 10)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I did Love College

This song was put on to me by my boy Chaz- this was the exact type of song that I would have played 14 times in my frat house in college. At first I was pretty excited about this song, then you just get depressed cuz that life is over and it's depressing as fuck, lol! Seriously though, the one thing about college is that waking up in the morning not knowing what that night had in store for you was the greatest feeling that you have ever had leading up to that point in your life. To quote Kevin Garnett "anything was possible". Kudos to Asher Roth for hitting that shit on the head.



Asher Roth-I Love College.mp3 -

Monday, April 20, 2009

Citi Field

I got the call from my dad around 5 telling me that we were going to the Mets game... it was aweseome. This place is absolutely ridiculous. The Mets did a great job of building a great home for our Metropolitans. I won't bore you with the details but we managed to sneak ourselves right behind the Mets dugout for the last 4 innings. Our seats to start the game were just as great. We were right on the right field wall- what a sweet seat. If the Mets win a WS, that wall is getting jumped by fans because it's only 7 feet tall. All fans need to see this place!

SICK!



Dad and me in the Rotunda


Of course the Martinez Family got a brick... not that kind of brick you jerks!




The Heather Locklear of sports paraphernalia... no matter the age, she still looks great!


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tucker Max Movie


Oh happy day! One of my favorite novels of all time- and winner of two Pulitzers is being made into a movie. If you aren't familiar with Tucker Max- I have him linked on the right. Check it out!

Turns out the movie is post production and should be out this year. Tucker will be played by Matt Czuchry, who I am told was the perfect choice cuz' he's "really fucking hot"... ehhhh, I would have casted Tom Cruise because Tom doesn't know how to make a bad movie and the world cannot afford to have this movie suck.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Movie Review

If you like movies with plot progression, character development and a "beginning, middle and end", then The Day the Earth Stood Still is not for you. This movie couldn't have been more pointless than trying to to find a hot girl at last call. Seriously, avoid this movie- oh yea, Will Smith's kid is in it. And he is an even worse actor than his dad. EEEEK!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Random Ponderance

Those who say "that's a good question" usually don't have a good answer.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Baseball is back!

I was on my way back from Killington when I threw on the Fan. That's when I heard the sweetest sound ever- Howie Rose calling the first pitch of the New York Metropolitan season. Baseball is one of those things that you never realize just how much you missed until you haven't had it in a while.

I'm hoping to get to Citi Field soon- maybe during their first day game... not Opening Day as tickets are going for a minimum of a $100 but very soon.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Check out my boy's blog

For those who know, my boy is a literary genius. Check his shit out at http://thanksforplayingatthepond.blogspot.com/

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fresh Ink

Here are some pics of my new tattoo



I'm not a big tattoo expert. This was my second tattoo. I have a couple of friends who are interested in getting a tattoo and the only advise I can offer is to enjoy the process. Not the actual process of having the tattoo done, but the entire process starting with the decision to get one, finding the right design, having the artist draw it up and then finally, having it put on your body. If one of those steps is missing, I'd advise my friends to hold up on the tat until you go through each step.

One last suggestion- go with friends. I know it's pretty lame to say, but having friends there makes it ten times easier. You get input on the tattoo like how big it should be, placement, etc. It makes you feel better, more confident just having someone there to just confirm your decision. Oh yea, bring an Ipod because that fucking ink gun is the loudest thing you've ever heard and depending on where you get it can sound like a swarm of bees on steroids, right behind your ear.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Puter? Me?

I just bought a new laptop and I love it! So this post is coming straight from my new top of the line HP... why do I need a top of the line laptop? I don't, but I don't know a fucking thing about computers, so if it's expensive, I'm assuming it's good. In the matter of one day (yesterday) I brought a new computer, got a hot tattoo (more on that later) and bought absinthe. The day was quite eventful, all while doing a serious bar crawl in the Palisades mall- shout out to the Rock!

Sorry for the delay

So I gave up criticism for lent... lol, I know. So I haven't had a thing to write about for the last three weeks. But don't worry, my adventures are still going down. Stay tuned....

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

Test your might!

LOL, the joke is too obvious right here.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

RNT Basketball Season Update

Don't worry, I'll spare you the details. Long story short, my company's basketball dropped another heart-breaker... to a team with one win. They now have 2 more wins than we do, LOL. Here are some shots from the game last night. Actually, I do want to say it was the best team game we had played all year. Guys made cuts, passes and smart plays all game long. Considering we still lost, take that tid bit of knowledge for what its worth.

Rallying the troops!!!


Air Dre's- Coming in 2010.


This guy must be blind, cuz he can't see me!



Rebound by Hot Ging.



Don't worry, I kept my dribble.



Wednesday, February 25, 2009

So you're saying there's a chance!


"Right now, men across the county are doing a little dance of joy — Megan Fox may be back on the market.

Fox, 22, and fiancé Brian Austin Green, 35, have quietly ended their engagement, according to People.

"The decision was mutual," a source told the magazine. "They're still friends."
The Transformers star met Green, in 2004, and got engaged two years later in November of 2006."


First off, let me just say that I'm glad she didn't give him herpes and I'm glad he didn't beat the shit out of her. Second, I'm flying out to LA yesterday. Peace out.

Good things are coming!

...when I woke up this morning, it was so sunny that I thought I had overslept. I didn't; It's starting to get to that time and this is going to be one sick summer.

Monday, February 23, 2009

RNT Black Sox

I just finalized our jersey order for the upcoming softball season and I'm really starting to get excited about it. The weather is starting to get warmer and it's the sun is setting later. As far as the team goes, I feel that we added some pretty good new talent and with the core of the team all returning this year, I think a bounce back year is definitely looking likely. It's not a competitive leage but only the top 4 teams make the playoffs so we're going to have to be "game on" from the start this year. Shit, at the very least we'll all look good, which is really what it's all about, lol.

Stop telling me your gym schedule!

Seriously, why do people always talk about how often they go to the gym? It's almost as bad as those people who tell you when they're planning to go the gym. I am suppose to be impressed that you woke up this morning and worked out? But those people aren't even the worst. At least those people are working out (probably once a week and that's why their mentioning it) but then you have those people that constantly talk about their diet. What? Am I suppose to marvel at the will power you possess? LOL, these people are working out and dieting for 8 months yet never see results... what are the chances of that? I can actually figure that one out using a simple equation.

D-N (W-Q)/ R= S

D is the number of days you tell someone about the gym or your diet
N is the number of days you actually go to the gym or stick to your diet
W is the number of weeks you stick to this plan
Q is the number of weeks you take off in between sticking to your plan
R is the number of people you tell this to
...and all that equals to S, or the amount of shit you're full of.

Come on people! If you are really dieting or working out people would be able to tell. If the only reason "Suzie" knows you working out is because you told her... it doesn't count. And I'm not the bad guy here. I have told people that I've started to notice a change in their physique to try and motivate them, even if it wasn't 100% true. Half the time, they take that as a reason to completely stop because they've hit their "goal"...
Ahhhh, feels good to be back. I'm just serious... get back to the gym!




P.S. This post doesn't apply to those who actually work out and diet. If you got tips you actually want to share, then I'm all for it. This post applies to those "who know who you are..." LOL
P.P.S One of my friends emailed me about this post... and she said "I don't know if I should be mad at you for being an asshole or mad at myself for not going to the gym enough, lol" Thank you, thank you.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Coming soon...

New posts today. Happy Friday, fuckers!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Back Door?


I was at the bar last night and saw this door. I was trying to figure out what could be behind it- but tell me that just but putting that sign up, the only thing you want to do is open that door? I bet it's that door in Beetlejuice that leads to the sand world with the giant snakes...

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Day Gift


I know girls get flowers and candy and dinner for Valentine's Day. But what do guys get? I'm not sure but the best gift I've ever got for Valentine's Day was sex coupons. That's right, sex coupons. With various activities on them. They truly are the gift that keeps on giving. So ladies, they're cheap and you'll probably be doing it anyway- so you might as well trick us into thinking that you put as much time and effort into our present as we did into yours. Enjoy this generic card!

Keep it Coming Friday


I overheard a conversation today. Some coworkers were talking about the plane that recently crashed in Buffalo last night. There were a couple of comments that I heard that as per usual, I have to pick apart, lol. First off, summing up plane crashes in general by saying "that's really scary" is not only incredibly obvious- but also incredibly wrong. Just because something happens once in a blue moon, doesn't make me scared of it. Are we really walking around in our daily lives scared a plane is about to crash into us? Are police carrying guns in case a plane robs a bodega? I have a friend who sleeps with a shotgun when her husband isn't home at night- is it because she's worried a masked plane is going to break into her house and rape her?! No, all those things happen because of black people.

Second, there was a woman on the plane who was a 911 widow. Well, all anyone can talk about is how tragic that shit is. Why is it we act so fucking shocked when something bad happens to a 911 survivor or widow? Did Jesus already punch their pain and suffering card? Is it written somewhere that we're maxed out at one bad thing per life? If that's the case, most of us have already hit that threshold.

I have a better idea, let's round all the 911 widows and survivors up and wrap them and all their loved ones in bubble wrap to ensure nothing bad ever happens to these people again. No, I'm not saying it's not horrible and I can't imagine the amount of grief her family must be feeling. As a friend of my says (and I agree) they deserve a free pass for the rest of their lives. I'm just asking those of us who weren't impacted at all by the newest bad thing to happen to 911 victims stop acting like we're amazed something bad happened to them again? I believe Ghandi said it best "shit happens".

BTW- I'm joking about the 'black people' joke? I'm just serious.

"It's Friday" is not an answer

Can we cut the shit already? Why is it when you come into work and ask someone "how are you doing?", you get the fucking "it's Friday, right?"

Ummm, are you asking me to confirm what day it is? Or are you somehow avoiding my question by informing me that tomorrow is Saturday?

Oh, I get it- you're "just OK" but the fact that it's the weekend and you get to go to Home Depot of A&P with your wife makes you just a little bit better. Holy shit! Next person to answer me with "well, it's Friday" is going to get a follow up question. It's going to be "do you have any plans?" Technically, it's a rhetorical question because I know the answer is going to be a resounding "no, but it's not work." Fuck man, if I had your life, I think I'd rather be working. I'm just serious.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ewwww- A L-O-V-E Post

If you love someone, tell them "I know you love me."

Here's the thing...

The funny thing about funerals and wakes is that they aren't for the dead. They're fucking dead, so I highly doubt they give a shit that the Tannenbaum's sent flowers. Funerals are for the living, so they can cope with the fact that this person that they cared about is gone- not coming back.

I'm not some funeral director, so I'm not going to act like I'm surrounded by death- but think about it. If you've ever had someone close to you pass away, what is the ONE thing we all wish for? We just wish we had one chance to tell that person that we loved them. We always want that one thing that we can't have now. Why? The person you cared about is dead- they don't care what the last thing you told them was. The last thing you could have said to them might have been "If only Brad hadn't met Angelina, we'd all be better off." LOL, what the fuck! It wouldn't matter to them at all if that dipshit stayed with Jennifer Anniston, although it would spare me the thought of her sleeping with that John Mayer douche bag.

But I digress... I'm just saying that if you actually love someone who loves you in return, tell them that you know how much they care about you because you telling them that you love them is great- as long as your alive. Once you die, that person is left with an empty feeling that can be filled, or at least not as empty, if they could just tell themselves that you knew that you were so important in their lives that they would do anything to spend just one more day with you. It would give someone you love closure, which is what we all look for in a time of despair and grief.

LOL, this is not a morbid post. This should be the exact opposite. Is it morbid when a couple take out life insurance to make sure their children are protected in case of an accident? This isn't a "you might die at anytime" post. It's just a reminder that life, anyway you slice it, is short. And there's nothing wrong with sharing love with those around you- I'm just trying to throw a different twist on it.

Telling someone you love them is for you. Telling someone you know they love you- well, that's the most selfless thing you can say.

Reader Submitted


Steal from another website Wednesday! (Thursday Edition)




Just got this link from a co-worker who clearly knows me very well. I pass it along to you and if anyone actually tries to do this, please let me know what you think. I'll be trying to make some Skodka myself this weekend. Drink this!