What the fuck happened between Casino Royale and this horseshit? I was so pumped that Bond was back after Royale! But this crap felt like it was thrown together by a room full of chimps banging away on type writers and filmed by a coked out Steven Spielberg.
Besides the uninspiring and boring story line, here were some more problems I had with the cinematic meatloaf:
- The action scenes were cut waaaaay to fast. I didn't know if I was looking at an intense fight scene or a really bad gay porn. Seriously, the camera kept changing angles so fast I'm lucky I didn't have a seizure in the theatre.
- The villain looked like a white-trash Walmart employee. He had no scars, wasn't a midget, his cock wasn't made of gold or any other precious metal- and from the ending, he really didn't appear that intelligent. I mean he pretty much wanted to be the South American Con-Ed. What is so bad about that? Is the next bond villain going to be Bill Gates?
- Bond doesn't have sex with enough girls. I mean, here's the Bond timeline for sex. 1) He says hello. 2) He boinks her. That's cool and we need more of that. It only takes James 5 minutes or so to nail a chick, so by my calculation he really should have slayed 75 more girls in this sequel.
- Where are his gadgets? You saw him drive his Aston Martin for 3 minutes. That's it. No laser watch, no jet pack, no x-ray vision sunglasses. NOTHING!!! Can he get some fucking help please?
With that said, there was one reason to watch this movie. (Please see below). This ladies and gentlemen is Olga Kurylenko. And I give her my "bad bitch" award. This is the highest compliment I can bestow on a young lady. She really is one bad bitch. The only negative is her hideous Ruskie name. But I'm just splitting hairs. This picture, by the way, was definitely not from the Bond movie... but it's my blog and I'll do whatever I want. I'm just serious.
Giddy up!
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