Guest Blog

My two cents on the habits of annoying co-workers, part I

by Brian Schultz

What's up everyone? I'll be occasionally dropping some of my magic here on Bryan's blog. If you like what you see, let me know and I'll write some more junk. If you don't, then please feel free to kill yourself.

I hear what you're saying about the 'elevator' and the 'breakfast' morlocks, bro. Some people just make me want to twist my own nutsack off and then choke myself to death with it. The people I hate most in my office fall into 2 major groups: shitters and foodies. I'll deal with foodies in thenext post. Probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me is to have to take a dump at work, only to walk into the bathroom to find somebody else is already dumping. It's the only thing I'm afraid of. I'd rather have Charles Manson hold a loaded gun to my face. Like three weeks ago, I seriously had to go to like fucking five different bathrooms within my office building to find one that didn't contain some douchebag taking a shit. I was flabbergasted. Call me crazy, but sitting less than 4 feet away from some strange dickhead (or even worse, a known coworker) while they empty their bodily waste from their asshole just downright disgusts me. Is it just me? I mean, really, who would be comfortable in this type of situation? We've all been there. You're taking an innocent piss when all the sudden "Barney" that fat, lazy fuck from a few offices down stumbles in with a greasy look of fear plastered across his face that says "I had 2 bacon egg and cheese sandwiches, potato slices, and 2 chocolate milks for breakfast, and its coming out, fast." You turn to give a quick glance to see whos entered, hoping it's just someone who needs to pee also, and then you get the "whats up" nod from Barney, and it tells you all you need to know. Truly disgusting. You know he's in there, HE knows that you know that he's in there...with shit coming out of his ass.

Can't motherfuckers just wait till the coast is clear? Fuck that, I do my shitting at like 2am, when nobodys around, unless for emergencies. I don't know, maybe one day as I get older, fatter, my body starts falling apart, I care less and less, then I'll lose my aversion to this nonsense. Until then however, please don't shit next to me.

Thong thong thong

Yes, please

Well, it was a dead tie between Ride wit me and Thong Song for most reminiscent song. I couldn't decide what picture you use- Nelly's band-aid face or this lovely specimen of womanhood.

Everytime I think of the Thong Song, I remember a BBQ frat party we did during homecoming weekend. It was three frats and two sororities hanging out drinking beer and whoever the DJ was must have forgot his CD's. All his CD's except Enter the Dragon, that is. I heard that song no less than 8 times in a two hour period- yet, didn't see any friggin' thongs. Maybe sorority chicks can't take a hint...

Really? Just stop...

You could afford to skip a meal

I really should file this post under Pet Peeve #121. I know I'm an easily vexed person- but this has to annoy somebody else. It just has to...

I normally skip breakfast but whenever I do get breakfast there is someone who has to comment "oh you got breakfast... thanks for letting me know!" Yes, they say it with a smile to let anyone listening know that they don't think it's your job to feed them- but you still have to answer the question or comment on it. Usually, I hear people say "I didn't know, sorry :)" Everyone smiles and all is right in the world. But for whatever reason, that comment is always followed by some uncomfortable pause while you think of the appropriate response. I wish someone would just look at the woman (yes, it's usually a female that makes this f-ing comment) and say "nope, didn't say anything to you because I didn't want to get you shit."

I mean, fuck! How annoying is that. And the worst part about this is that the person asking you "why you didn't tell them you were getting breakfast" HAS NEVER GOTTEN YOU BREAKFAST!. Who has that much audacity? I would completely understand if they were just expecting you to be civil and return the favor for that time they got you breakfast, but that is never the case. I'm a jerk from hell, so I usually just reply "The place I go to doesn't use low fat cooking products." Haha, take that bitch. What's her answer to that? Bryan 1, annoying bitch ZERO.

Yea, I know that everything gets on my nerves, but like my elevator post, now that I've brought this to the public's attention, I think it will start pissing you off a little too. If I can just make one person angrier, then my work here is done. Seriously.

Awkward situations #81

If we were any closer, you'd be pissing in my ass!

The other day as I was leaving work with a coworker, I came across this awkward situation-it has nothing to do with the above picture.

As we anticipated walking apart and heading our separate ways, we said goodbye. The thing is I was headed towards the bar and Barles Chinanti ( he doesn't want me to use his real name) was headed to Scores. Well, we still had about 200 more feet to walk until I got to the bar and walked across the street. So we continued walking next to each other... but we didn't speak. I mean, we had already said goodbye so any convo worth starting would have to be short and pointless so you could say bye again without it getting awkward. There's no way Barles says "ok, bye" and my convo starter is "so... I ever tell you about that time I met Meaghan Fox and she said that she wanted to fuck you? No? OK, well you gotta go so I'll catch up with you Monday." I think he'd want to finish that one- but we did say goodbye already and I don't like long awkward goodbyes, so we just split like a fat man's pants. My suggestion, if you find yourself in this situation in the future, is to make it a habit of responding to "later" by saying "go fist yourself, Gaylord."

Pet Peeve #172: Elevators

No, I don't have a problem with the elevators themselves but more with the people in them. My peeve can actually be summed up in the form of a question:

Ummmm, can you get the fuck out of the elevator already?

These fucking people fall into two categories: 1) Douche bag men with nowhere to go and 2)chivalrous douche bags.

The regular douche stands at the front of the elevator and when the doors open, regardless of how uncomfortably packed it is, will stand to the side pretending to hold the elevator doors open for everyone. I know they have to realize that there are sensors on the doors and they won't slam shut on you if your walking past. This isn't 1925 with one of those old metal gates separating you from the elevator shaft. I mean, by these jerk-faces stand there "holding the door open" for everyone, they are impeding everyone's desired goal of leaving. Then we all have to pretend this guy actually served a purpose by saying "oh, thank you". The "oh" is because you're soooooo surprised that this gentleman is kind enough to forgo being the first out of the elevator to act as a light house for everyone in the large ocean that is the elevator. "Oh, thank you sir- without you're assistance I would have tried to remove the ceiling panels and climbed out the roof of the elevator." What would the 19 cramped adults log jammed in this elevator have done without your assistance?" WRONG! The appropriate response is: "Ummmmmm, can you get the fuck out of the way?"

This leads me the second offender; in my opinion this offender needs to be cock-punched on the way out of the elevator. This is the gentleman who will allow a woman to exit before the men. "But Bryan, what is wrong with that? You're the reason chivalry is dead..." Well, it isn't the fact that I have a problem with a woman exiting the elevator first (althought what is really the point of that?)- it's the fact that this broad is buried in the back of the elevator behind 14 dudes and everyone starts sandwiching each other to let this woman out. I think she'd understand that the only time that much effort is needed to part something that tightly packed would be in there were half a million Jews that needed to get by because the were being chased by Egyptians in chariots... I wonder if Moses grabbed his staff and yelled to the Red Sea, "Ummmmmm, can you get the fuck out of the way?"

Seriously, move.

Uncle Bryan

I went to go see Brian, Lana and Arlowe this weekend. Obviously, Jess and I wanted to see the baby but we also went up to celebrate a belated birthday to Schultz. We had a couple of drinks and just sat around bullshitting. I know I'm a sentimental guy but my favorite times are just sitting around with real good friends, drinking beers.

It was a little weird for me when he handed me Arlowe and called me "uncle Bryan" simply because I never saw myself as ever being an uncle. But it was pretty cool- uncomfortable at first, but then I really warmed up to the idea. Babysitting is out of the question but I can do the birthday present and occasional "my dad just doesn't understand me" convo... (although chances are that if Schultz doesn't get it, neither do it. But I'll pretend...)

Album of the year!

Shout out to CB for putting me onto T.I.'s album Paper Trail. I am to busy too keep my ear to the street, but Charles spends enough time on the street for both of us. He may be the blackest guy I know. The hottest tracks are Live your life and My life, your entertainment and Dead and gone feat JT, san!!!

Drink of the week

I've been experimenting with ice cubes... not like that...

Standard glass fill with ice
2 shot of flavored vodka
Fill with Sprite

This drink takes a little prep. Give yourself a couple of hours and pour pomegranite juice into an ice cube tray and use them in your drink. I think it'll give the drink a nice hint of fruit. No one likes to get blasted in the face by fruit.

Days off?

So I decided to take Monday and Tuesday off just to relax. Has anyone else noticed that when you take a day off to do nothing you seem to catch up on EVERYTHING. All I wanted to do was play hockey for 14 or 15 hours- nothing crazy. But between going to the gym, doing laundry and running errands, I was only able to get 4 hours in!

I'm about as single as they come and I couldn't imagine having to run errands for other people. I feel like all the married people I know always have shit to do- shit that doesn't apply to them. Well, I guess it does apply to "them" but not exclusively the person that is running the errand. And I'm talking about men and women. I know plenty of girls who get dragged to some bar hangout or party that they don't want to go to. Women also generally do the food shopping and the little things around the house- I feel for you ladies.

There is no point to this post other than me thinking out loud that I barely have time for myself (and my life is about as simple as they come) nevermind taking other people into consideration... Seriously, think about the last time you took off of work just to relax. Of those times, how many times were you able to catch The Price is Right?

"I love me some me"

-Terrell Owens

Fear and Grieving in Flushing

As you already know the Mets were eliminated from playoff contention last Sunday. I went to the game knowing they weren't going to win but I wanted to see the ol' girl off. And the Mets did a fantastic job with their closing ceremony. The obvious gripe is why did they wait until after the game?! Even if they had won, you would have had to kick all the players off the field while they were celebrating to start the ceremony. That was poor planning; but it really was amazin' to watch Tom Seaver throw the last pitch to Mike Piazza. This cements the Mike will eventually get his number retired.

I was thinking about my thought process as the Mets were pissing their season down the drain. It really came in waves of five...

Denial
I started denying how bad this team was last Thursday when we got the leadoff runner to third base in the 7th, 8th and 9th innings and only got ONE run in. And that run was WALKED IN! I can't believe this is happening...

Anger
I'm an angry person in general, so take this with a grain of salt. But my anger with this team really settled in Thursday night when I realized we had blown a golden opportunity to put our foot in the playoff door. The Brewers had won and the Phillies were off. Why me? Why God? Why?

Bargaining
I started to cope with my anger by thinking, "well, if we can just win two-out- of three, we should be fine." We only need 2-3... Please....

Depression
Well, it's Friday and we just lost again. Hope floats... in the Bronx, not in Queens. I mean there is the cloud over Shea and it's not from all those sketchy chop shops in the area either.

Acceptance
Well, it's official. Another winter of saying "wait till next year". I believe Rafiki said it best when he said "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. " Great... I'm quoting someone who throws his feces for fun. Seriously.