Monday, October 6, 2008

Pet Peeve #172: Elevators

No, I don't have a problem with the elevators themselves but more with the people in them. My peeve can actually be summed up in the form of a question:

Ummmm, can you get the fuck out of the elevator already?

These fucking people fall into two categories: 1) Douche bag men with nowhere to go and 2)chivalrous douche bags.
The regular douche stands at the front of the elevator and when the doors open, regardless of how uncomfortably packed it is, will stand to the side pretending to hold the elevator doors open for everyone. I know they have to realize that there are sensors on the doors and they won't slam shut on you if your walking past. This isn't 1925 with one of those old metal gates separating you from the elevator shaft. I mean, by these jerk-faces stand there "holding the door open" for everyone, they are impeding everyone's desired goal of leaving. Then we all have to pretend this guy actually served a purpose by saying "oh, thank you". The "oh" is because you're soooooo surprised that this gentleman is kind enough to forgo being the first out of the elevator to act as a light house for everyone in the large ocean that is the elevator. "Oh, thank you sir- without you're assistance I would have tried to remove the ceiling panels and climbed out the roof of the elevator." What would the 19 cramped adults log jammed in this elevator have done without your assistance?" WRONG! The appropriate response is: "Ummmmmm, can you get the fuck out of the way?"

This leads me the second offender; in my opinion this offender needs to be cock-punched on the way out of the elevator. This is the gentleman who will allow a woman to exit before the men. "But Bryan, what is wrong with that? You're the reason chivalry is dead..." Well, it isn't the fact that I have a problem with a woman exiting the elevator first (althought what is really the point of that?)- it's the fact that this broad is buried in the back of the elevator behind 14 dudes and everyone starts sandwiching each other to let this woman out. I think she'd understand that the only time that much effort is needed to part something that tightly packed would be in there were half a million Jews that needed to get by because the were being chased by Egyptians in chariots... I wonder if Moses grabbed his staff and yelled to the Red Sea, "Ummmmmm, can you get the fuck out of the way?"
Seriously, move.

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