Guest Blog

My two cents on the habits of annoying co-workers, part I

by Brian Schultz

What's up everyone? I'll be occasionally dropping some of my magic here on Bryan's blog. If you like what you see, let me know and I'll write some more junk. If you don't, then please feel free to kill yourself.

I hear what you're saying about the 'elevator' and the 'breakfast' morlocks, bro. Some people just make me want to twist my own nutsack off and then choke myself to death with it. The people I hate most in my office fall into 2 major groups: shitters and foodies. I'll deal with foodies in thenext post. Probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me is to have to take a dump at work, only to walk into the bathroom to find somebody else is already dumping. It's the only thing I'm afraid of. I'd rather have Charles Manson hold a loaded gun to my face. Like three weeks ago, I seriously had to go to like fucking five different bathrooms within my office building to find one that didn't contain some douchebag taking a shit. I was flabbergasted. Call me crazy, but sitting less than 4 feet away from some strange dickhead (or even worse, a known coworker) while they empty their bodily waste from their asshole just downright disgusts me. Is it just me? I mean, really, who would be comfortable in this type of situation? We've all been there. You're taking an innocent piss when all the sudden "Barney" that fat, lazy fuck from a few offices down stumbles in with a greasy look of fear plastered across his face that says "I had 2 bacon egg and cheese sandwiches, potato slices, and 2 chocolate milks for breakfast, and its coming out, fast." You turn to give a quick glance to see whos entered, hoping it's just someone who needs to pee also, and then you get the "whats up" nod from Barney, and it tells you all you need to know. Truly disgusting. You know he's in there, HE knows that you know that he's in there...with shit coming out of his ass.

Can't motherfuckers just wait till the coast is clear? Fuck that, I do my shitting at like 2am, when nobodys around, unless for emergencies. I don't know, maybe one day as I get older, fatter, my body starts falling apart, I care less and less, then I'll lose my aversion to this nonsense. Until then however, please don't shit next to me.