PWN3D!

Werd- I've got no game when it comes to talking to ladies for the first time. You know that awkward moment when you first approach a girl and are debating whether to go funny or normal? Well, I don't do it- neither approach, because I refuse to approach a girl I don't know and talk to her. You know what the problem is? It's a combination of guys having no game and girls being fucking bitches, lol. Girls will sit at a bar with an I'm lonely as fuck look on their face and the second you say something to them they respond with something that leaves you shaking your head and thinking ...what a fucking cunt... I know it's not just me either. Every guy has these stories. I can recall hanging out at a bar for someone's birthday about a year ago, and I was getting mad eyes from this cute chick across the bar. Again, I never, ever go up to women I don't know but this chick was eye fucking me good, so I go up to her, offer to buy her a drink, she declines (obviously) and I walk away shaking my head and thinking ...what a fucking cunt... and go back to hanging out.

Not two minutes later as I'm recounting my train wreck of a pickup to my boys, one of my female friends comes up to me UNSOLICITED and says "wow, that chick is definitely checking you out- you should go talk to her". Ummm, yea- what the fuck?! Again, I have no game, so maybe I was so shit hammered that when I said "can I buy you a drink?" what actually came out of my mouth was "can I lick your tits?" Who knows? But I won't get caught up in semantics.

When I was 17, I worked at Loews Theatre in the Palisades mall (insert joke here). It was a shitty job (insert obvious statement here) but I love movies and it was a summer gig- so who gives a shit. Well, one night after making a hell of a Goobstopper sale, this movie angel approaches me and asks for a slushee. MMMMM, slushee. Anyway, this chick was smoking hot. For those who know me, smokin' is the highest ranking I can give a girl. She had golden blonde hair and had freakishly blue eyes. I sold her her slushee and began telling my coworkers about it, much to the shagrin of the other customers in line. Whatever, if they can't take a joke, fuck 'em. Well, I decided in my recanting of my brush with destiny, that I would wait until the movie ended and talk to her! The balls on me, right? WRONG! I'm an idiot... with no game.

The movie lets out and the theatre starts to empty- then I see her. So like a retarded secret agent I started after her... did I mention that my shift had ended an hour earlier... why was I creeping up behind her? Did I think by jumping up behind her and scarring the shit out of her she was more liking to go out with me? Whatever the case, after startling her by tapping her on the shoulder, I introduced myself... and that's when I saw it. She was there with like 10 of her girlfriends. FUCK ME! I would rather run into a bullring dressed as Mr Kool-Aid than approach a chick on girls nite out. So now I start sputtering some bullshit about "I'm sure you hear this all the time, but you're eyes are amazing..." when her friend right next to her, rolls her eyes and says "here we go..." and then begins to tell all the other girls that I'm trying to pick up their friend. So now I have all of them staring at me while I sound like Adam Sandler in Waterboy and decide that somehow, someway I had to get out of there fast... I stopped mid sentence and started walking away. No goodbye- no nothing. I just ran away. I'm embarrassed for myself right now.

Anyway, ever since then, I feel like I have this horrible stigma tattooed on my forehead that says "If this guy is talking to you, just close your eyes and he'll disappear". This is actually a great segway to my next post about what you can expect in Hell, when you die. Not that I'm saying you're going to hell, but I'm just saying...